I could see her out the corner of my eye. A woman from church who I did not know well lingered just off stage, clutching a notebook to her chest. She was clearly waiting for me, but I paused to give myself a moment. Tiredness had settled deep in my body, and my introverted tendencies were in full force. All I wanted was to be home in my sweatpants, but I knew I could not slip silently out the back door. At a conference I helped plan. About community. (Listen, the irony was not lost on me.)
I stepped off stage, and the woman inched closer.
Her face was familiar from passing each other on Sunday mornings, but we had never been formally introduced. She extended her hand, “Hi. I’m Jolene. I’m the one who asked the question about doing all the right things . . .”
The Struggle of Finding Belonging in Church
A knot formed at the base of my stomach. I knew exactly what question she meant. During the last session of the conference, we had opened the floor for attendees to submit questions anonymously. Many submissions were expected: What opportunities does the church have for connection? What if I cannot attend a small group? You get the picture. But one question left me and the other speakers feeling like raccoons, wide eyes caught in stage lights with nowhere to run. In the moment, I had done my best to empathize with the struggle, but the truth was that I did not have an answer, at least not one that satisfied my soul. And with Jolene standing in front of me, it appeared the response had not satisfied her either.
We stood there, and Jolene softly repeated her question, “I have done all the things you guys talked about—showing up, inviting people over.” Her voice wavered. “So why do I still feel like I don’t belong?”
Overcoming the Challenges of Finding Belonging in Church
A moment of silence passed. Then another. And another. Part of me wanted to throw a blanket of “Oh, well just keep doing what you’re doing . . .” over her pain so we could both go home, but as I stood there, my gut turning and twisting, I realized I had no idea what to tell her. Outside the regular community mantras of “be vulnerable, show up, be intentional,” I did not know how to soothe her ache. I offered to meet her for coffee, but even as the words came out, the response seemed cheap in relation to the question with which she was entrusting me. Coffee and communion are far from the same.
Practical Steps for Finding Belonging in Church
How desperately I wanted to have a neat and tidy answer for her (and if I was being especially transparent, a neat and tidy answer for myself ), but I knew Jolene was right. Belonging cannot be manufactured. It is not an idyllic destination “out there” waiting for us to arrive or a recipe we can cobble together in our kitchens (although a kitchen often seems a more likely place to find it than the round tables and hard chairs at church). There is no secret formula or five-step program that guarantees the connection we crave. We can do all the right things and still feel so dreadfully out of place.
Adapted from The Way of Belonging by Sarah E. Westfall. ©2024 by Sarah E. Westfall. Used by permission of InterVarsity Press. www.ivpress.com.
Sarah E. Westfall is a writer, speaker, and host of the Human Together podcast. Her previous work includes serving as director of community for online writing groups and as a student development professional on college campuses. She has been published in RELEVANT, Fathom Mag, and (in)courage. She is the author of The Way of Belonging.
