The night Reggie died, my family came over to sit vigil, but as the night wore on, they departed one by one to their own homes until only one of my family members and I remained.
At first my family member was quiet, but eventually she opened up, pausing after each sentence. “I don’t know what to say. I got nothing—no words. I don’t understand why he’s gone. It doesn’t. Make. Sense.”
“I know. It doesn’t make sense to me either.”
Understanding the Chaos of Grief
“It’s late and I don’t want to leave you alone,” she said. “I’m also not sure staying here tonight is the best thing for you. Will you come stay the night with me?”
I was touched by her invitation, but I declined. As confused as I was by Reggie’s unexpected death, I was sure of one thing.
“I need to have a conversation with God,” I told her. “And it’s not going to be one of those pretty prayers.”
Finding Strength Through Prayer in Chaos
I pictured myself lying prostrate on the floor, my face soaked in tears, my eyes puffy and red from crying as I lamented before the Lord. No, it wasn’t going to look pretty. I imagined looking the ugliest I’ve ever looked while praying.
“I understand,” she said. “You’re sure, though?”
“Yeah. I am.”
Reluctantly she left.
Restoring Order When Life Feels Broken
Now alone, I went to my bedroom. Exhausted, I tried to get some sleep before meeting with God. After a fitful night, I perched on the edge of my bed and prepared myself for an ugly, personal interaction with the Lord. I assumed that as we met face-to-face, I’d bear my heart. I braced for tears and weeping. But in the face of the chaos, confusion, and disorder surrounding Reggie’s sudden, unexpected, and inexplicable death, all I had were two words:
“What now?”
The First Step: Asking God ‘What Now?’
Little did I know, but the word now spoke to sequence and order. Reggie’s passing left me and my life unexpectedly out of order. Before Reggie’s death, I knew what to do now—and what to do next. After his death, not so much.
It was as if someone had dropped a bomb into the middle of my life, scattering my next steps all around—some in the rubble, some damaged beyond recognition, and all out of order.
How could I begin putting my life back together? Without any idea where to start, I felt helpless and confused.
I didn’t expect to feel empty at that stage of my life. And I didn’t know what to do.
What do you do when tragedy strikes, destroying your life and shattering your plans forever? How are you going to respond to God’s invitation to live through the end of the world as you know it?
You may be feeling a similar kind of confusion and chaos. Thankfully, in the creation story, we see God creating order in the face of disorder. Restoring order is a fundamental component of God’s creative process—one he’s exemplified from the beginning.
In the opening chapter of Genesis, God transformed a chaotic, unproductive mess into an orderly, fully functional world. As I envision the stark contrast between the nonfunctional wasteland and the abundant, vibrant universe that emerged, I can’t help but feel that God intentionally started with disorder. He wanted us to see how he brings order out of turmoil—it’s an integral part of his creative process.
By commencing with chaos, God demonstrated his heart for restoration, illustrating how he can craft something beautiful even when our lives feel like nothing. That’s major. God may have allowed Satan, the destroyer, to ruin my life, but my pain wouldn’t be in vain (John 10:10). God would lift my confusion and restore the order I once felt. That right there is a reason to shout but wait—there’s more.
God bringing order to the initial disorder in Genesis 1 reveals God’s heart before the fall, before sin entered the world in Genesis 3. In essence, whether we sin or not, God’s plan has always been restoration.
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Taken from When Your World Ends by Dawn Mann Sanders. ©2024 by Dawn Mann Sanders. Used by permission of InterVarsity Press. www.ivpress.com.
