When You Can’t Change Someone You Love
I’m so tired of trying to change them.
I’m worn out from being the one person keeping everything from going off the rails.
I’m exhausted from making all this effort but never getting the outcome I long for.
These were the spiraling thoughts I had over and over again about several hard situations I was facing. I just couldn’t let any of them go.
I had invested so much of my time and emotion trying to fix what was beyond my ability to control. I have learned the hard way that if someone doesn’t want to change, I must release them to the consequences of their choices.
I think this is one of the most painful situations to face with someone we love deeply. When they hurt, we hurt. So, when things fall apart for them, it’s only natural to want to step in and save them. Unfortunately, trying to help someone who isn’t willing to make changes for themselves often has the opposite effect of what we want.
When Helping Someone Becomes Enabling
We want them to come to their senses. But continuing to prevent them from hitting rock bottom or feeling the pain of their poor choices is actually enabling them and perpetuating the problem.
I don’t like the cold reality of what I just wrote. It’s so hard to stop enabling. But it’s necessary.
Can you relate? Are there stressful situations with certain people in your life who are in a constant cycle of pushing you away when you try to share wisdom but then desperately wanting you to rescue them from their consequences?
Their irresponsible or risky choices stir up fear inside of us and alarming anxiety courses through our body. We become desperate to stop them, change them and get them on a better path.
You Can’t Change Someone by Trying to Control the Outcome
We want things to get better. We want things to be right. We want security, sanity, and a steadiness to life. But if this stability depends on us fixing what is beyond our ability to fix, then that’s not true peace. That’s control. And it’s not what God has called us to. Colossians 3:23-24 tells us what our focus should be: “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” It’s those last 8 words that stop me in my tracks. I can’t honestly say that I’m serving the Lord when I’m doubting His plans and frantically coming up with my own.
Shift From Control to Stewardship
So what do we do when we feel we have no other choice than to hold everything and everyone together? The Lord has been teaching me that I need to shift from control to stewardship.
The word steward is very important here. A steward is someone who cares for another person but does not own their issues. I can be a responsible friend, mentor, mom, sister, daughter, and neighbor without taking on the weight of owning others’ issues or managing their consequences. I can be a loving person in their life. But I cannot be a savior in their life.
Recognizing When You’ve Crossed From Stewardship Into Control
Here’s where I know I’ve crossed the line from doing what I’m responsible to do in this relationship to trying to control this person’s choices: when I need them to be okay in order for me to be okay so I hyperextend myself, my resources, my time and my emotions trying to always make sure they are okay. All the while, I know they aren’t willing to change but I hope by rescuing them this time it will make everything better.
What to Tell Yourself When You Can’t Change Someone
Here are some scripts to say to yourself when you are working on surrendering control and reframing your responsibility:
- “This part is mine to carry . . . and this part is God’s.”
- “I am willing to live with an outcome that is different from the one I wanted.”
- “I can have desires for things to improve with this person without feeling like it’s my responsibility to fix what only they can change.”
- “I can love them without enabling their poor choices.”
Release What You Cannot Change and Trust God
Friend, I know how hard it can be to release what you’re holding onto, especially when it involves someone you love. But here’s a crucial truth: what we willingly give up, God promises to take care of. He doesn’t always give us the outcome we want, but He assures us that the other person or the hard situation will still be under His tender care.
And that’s the safest place for our souls to land.
A Prayer for Surrendering Control
God, show me what’s mine to hold—and what’s Yours alone. Help me to trust in You and lean not on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5–6). Give me wisdom to respond in faith—and peace to surrender the rest. Give me courage to want Your will above my own in every situation that I face (Luke 22:42). Help me to care for the loved ones I’m concerned about without owning their issues or managing their consequences. I cast all my anxieties onto You, Lord, because I know You care for me, and You care for my people (1 Peter 5:7). In Jesus’s name, amen.
Lysa is president and chief visionary officer of Proverbs 31 Ministries and the author of eight New York Times bestsellers, including I Want to Trust You, but I Don’t, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, Forgiving What You Can’t Forget, and It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way. She enjoys life with her husband Chaz and her kids and grandkids. Connect with her at www.LysaTerKeurst.com or on social media @LysaTerKeurst.
