Gentleness is a bit like spinach. Most people agree that spinach is good for you, but it isn’t a food that really moves the needle. I’ve never said to my wife, “Hey, honey, it’s Friday night. Let’s load up the kids and go out for spinach!” And I actually like spinach! I’m happy to eat it. I’ll order it at a restaurant or have it in my quiche. It just doesn’t qualify as a culinary passion.
Gentleness is similar. We know it is a virtue—or at least most of us do. But it is rarely an aspiration. It is not something people dream about being when they grow up. When introducing a speaker, one might call them engaging, persuasive, inspirational, brilliant, or charismatic. Usually not gentle.
And I must also confess to some personal ambivalence about gentleness. This is odd because I’ve spent a lot of time working and speaking about relational bridge-building, civility, and winsomeness. Gentleness fits right in with these. But in my bridge-building work, I have often found it frustrating to talk to people who were not really interested in changing their opinions of others or changing their way of speaking. In fact, they were often proud of their polemics and eager to alienate the other side. I launched into this work with hopes it would be rewarding and fulfilling, but reward and fulfillment were interspersed with a lot of difficulty and frustration. It was often draining. Gentleness wasn’t always all it was cracked up to be.
Why Biblical Gentleness Is Essential to Christian Discipleship
Despite these facts, I would like to say some words in defense of gentleness. In fact, I will argue that gentleness is not merely nice; it is necessary. It is not merely something we might consider aspiring to. Rather, it is a quality that every follower of Christ is obliged to cultivate.
Once we realize gentleness is a requirement for disciples of Christ, everything changes. We might be able to opt out of social conventions or polite manners, but it is not so simple with gentleness. Can we reject the commands, teachings, and examples of Scripture regarding gentleness simply because they do not seem to pay off in our cultural moment? I think not. The first question we should be asking ourselves is not, Does gentleness pay? If this is what we ask ourselves, we have become moral relativists regarding gentleness. Moral relativists are happy to obey the rules and keep the commandments as long as doing so gets them what they want. But if their desires are thwarted by the commandments, the commandments are relativized and disregarded.
Christian Gentleness in a Culture of Outrage
Unfortunately, relativism permeates even many Christians’ view of gentleness. Gentleness is fine for small talk about small matters among small-minded people, but in the public square, when the stakes are high, the strong and courageous must rise and win the battle by any means necessary. Outrageous times demand outraged responses.
Why Christians Must Not Abandon Gentleness
Notice that some on both sides of the political spectrum are willing to sweep gentleness away without regret. In fact, it appears that in both cases, gentleness is an object of disdain. People are proud of rejecting gentleness. These people are not wrestling with conflicting ethical demands. It is not like the dilemma of lying to save someone’s life. In such a case, the higher principle of protecting life may hold sway over the lesser principle of truth-telling, but truth-telling clearly has a place in the moral universe. But in our present moment, gentleness is often cast aside without regret. It is this lack of regret that makes me think we have become moral relativists with respect to gentleness.
The Gentleness of Jesus: A Biblical Example to Follow
However, once I acknowledge that gentleness is not optional, I’m compelled to pay careful attention to biblical teachings on gentleness. There is no better place to start forming a Christian mind regarding gentleness than with the example of Jesus himself. The Gospels present Jesus as a model of gentleness. Jesus describes himself as “gentle and lowly” in spirit (Matthew 11:29). This self-description is couched in an invitation to imitate him. In fact, it is a command, not merely an invitation. He says he is talking to the troubled and “heavy laden” (Matthew 11:28). This is not guidance for peacetime; it is counsel for those in the midst of struggle and spiritual battle. Gentleness is a way of taking up our burdens. It is a way we fulfill our callings, not a way we avoid them.
How Jesus Fulfilled Prophecy Through Gentleness
Digging deeper into gentleness in the life of Christ, we discover that gentleness was not an incidental feature of Jesus. One dare not think that gentleness was just a personality trait that Jesus happened to find on his StrengthsFinder test. Jesus’ gentleness is actually a fulfillment of prophecy. Shortly after Matthew records Jesus’ teaching about his gentle yoke, he goes on to cite a lengthy passage from Isaiah:
This was to fulfill what was spoken by the prophet Isaiah:
“ . . . I will put my Spirit upon him,
and he will proclaim justice to the Gentiles.
He will not quarrel or cry aloud,
nor will anyone hear his voice in the streets;
a bruised reed he will not break,
and a smoldering wick he will not quench,
until he brings justice to victory;
and in his name the Gentiles will hope.”
Matthew 12:17-21
Jesus exhibited gentleness as part of his Messianic call and in fulfillment of Messianic prophecy. Gentleness is a way that he goes about achieving his mission, not avoiding it.
What the Bible Teaches About Gentleness in the Church
Given the clear teaching and modeling of Jesus, it is hardly surprising to find that the importance of gentleness is reinforced throughout the rest of the New Testament. And it becomes clear as well that gentleness is not just the personal responsibility of the individual disciple but also the corporate responsibility of the church. Consider, for example, Paul’s plea for the church in Ephesus. Paul urges them to “walk in a manner worthy” of Christ, which he characterizes as being “with all humility and gentleness” (Ephesians 4:1-3).
Gentleness as a Fruit of the Holy Spirit
Gentleness is also a quality Paul demands of our personal lives. It is a fruit of the Spirit (see Galatians 5:22-23). Gentleness and other gentle-like fruits—such as patience, kindness, and goodness—are the fruit that proves the root of the Holy Spirit has taken hold in our hearts. These gentle-like virtues are also the direct opposites of the works of the flesh, which include enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, and divisions. This list is followed by Paul’s ominous warning that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God (see Galatians 5:19-21). Clearly, in Paul’s mind, the choice between gentleness and gentle-like virtues on the one hand and anger, strife, and enmity on the other is not a matter of preference or pragmatics.
Cultivating Biblical Gentleness in Everyday Christian Life
We must acknowledge that gentleness is required of disciples of Christ. If we are to be formed into his image, we will become people who exhibit gentleness toward others. Likewise, as we give the Spirit free rein in our lives, we will become people of gentleness as well as patience, kindness, goodness, and self-control. We need to choose to cooperate with this work of the Spirit and value and actively cultivate the fruit of the Spirit in our lives. Does gentleness pay off in our particular cultural moment? It probably does, much more than we think. However, our spiritual life should not be a slave to cultural pragmatics. We surely live in troubling and difficult times, but our best response to such times is not to become troubling and difficult people.
Adapted from A Heart of Civility: Recovering Gentleness and Respect in an Age of Outrage edited by Tim Nuehlhoff, Perry L. Glanzer, and Richard Langer. Copyright © 2027. Used by permission of NavPress. All rights reserved. Represented by Tyndale House Publishers, a Division of Tyndale House Ministries.
