Many clients who receive marriage counseling say things like “I no longer love my spouse” or “There’s no love left in our marriage.” The sentiment expressed is that love is almost mystical, the result of a complicated combination of attraction, chemistry, and numerous strategies aimed at keeping love alive and the fires of passion burning. A common accompanying belief is that once love is gone and the flame goes out, there is really no way to get them back.
Understanding the Nature of Marital Love
Some Christians will counter with the idea that love is not really a feeling at all but rather a commitment to act in loving ways regardless of how we feel. From this perspective, loving feelings are seen as nice but unnecessary. Husbands and wives are to remain true to their call to love, whether or not any loving feelings are present.
The debate about whether love is a feeling or a commitment can become heated, and both sides are passionate about their positions. Such arguments usually end in a stalemate.
So which is it?
The Role of Commitment in Marital Love
We believe that love is a commitment and a feeling. Certainly, taking our vows seriously as followers of Christ is critical for creating an intimate, safe marital environment. There is no other healthy way for that interactive space to be a sanctuary we can run to for rest and recharging. However, feelings of love are a wonderful gift from God. We believe they’re meant to be an ongoing source of energy and joy for married couples.
What does one do when the feelings are hard to find or seem as if they’re gone forever? Understanding what love is—and how God created it to work—can provide the answer.
The debate about whether love is a feeling or a commitment can become heated, and both sides are passionate about their positions. Such arguments usually end in a stalemate.
So which is it?
We believe that love is a commitment and a feeling. Certainly, taking our vows seriously as followers of Christ is critical for creating an intimate, safe marital environment. There is no other healthy way for that interactive space to be a sanctuary we can run to for rest and recharging. However, feelings of love are a wonderful gift from God. We believe they’re meant to be an ongoing source of energy and joy for married couples.
What does one do when the feelings are hard to find or seem as if they’re gone forever? Understanding what love is—and how God created it to work—can provide the answer.
How to Reignite Marital Love When Feelings Fade
The reality is that no human being can generate love. We can’t manufacture a single drop of it. Yet it isn’t magical or mystical. First John 4:8 states quite clearly, “God is love.” Thus, there is no genuine love apart from God, period! Every true feeling or expression of love comes directly from God, whether or not the individuals involved recognize it. Love comes from God to us, and then we have the opportunity to drink it in deeply, receive its blessings, and generously share it with others.
Since many cultures view the heart as the gateway to love, and the Bible often mentions the importance of the heart in love and faith, it can be a useful reference point to help us better understand God and His love. We like to view the heart as having two doors— a top door that connects a person to God, our source, and a front door that connects us to other people. You may not be the creator of love, but you are the responsible keeper of the doors to your heart.
Opening Your Heart to God’s Love in Marriage
God has given you the freedom to decide when and how often you open and close these doors. If the top door is closed, you will be cut off from the source of love—love will be absent, and you will suffer that loss. If the front door is closed, an exchange of love between you and others will be absent, and you will be cut off from the important component of human connection.
The good news is that the power to open and close the doors are completely within your control. If you open the top door, God won’t hesitate to pour His love into your heart. You can drink it in deeply as it fills and saturates your entire being. As long as that door is open, God (who is love) is there in plentiful supply. Then, as desired, you can open the front door to others and share God’s love generously and sacrificially. We say “sacrificially” because as you share God’s love, there is often a cost. Your supply of His love may feel exhausted. But since you have the ability to remain connected to God and His endless supply, you can continually refill your heart’s capacity to love others.
So when husbands and wives tell us that “the fire is gone” in their marriages, our response is that they have somehow shut their top door and are not receiving God’s love for that person. That is the only possible reason a person no longer feels love for their spouse. There are many reasons why someone might choose to close that door, but God has given each of us the ability, freedom, and responsibility to be the doorkeepers to our hearts. Becoming responsible doorkeepers is a fundamental component of being empowered to love.
Robert S. Paul, MS, is the vice president of the Focus on the Family Marriage Institute and the primary architect of the Hope Restored marriage intensive programs. He is a licensed professional counselor with over 30 years of experience and is an international speaker. He has bachelor’s degrees in both Biblical Studies and Psychology from Evangel University, a master’s degree in Counseling from Georgia State University, and a diploma in Christian Counseling from Psychological Studies Institute. He has co-authored six books including the DNA of Relationships with Gary and Greg Smalley, and more recently 9 Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage. Robert and his wife, Jenni, have been married over 42 years and have four children and six grandchildren.
Tara Lalonde, PhD is a registered psychotherapist in Ontario and has been counseling adults and couples for over 20 years. She is a lead marriage therapist with the Hope Restored marriage intensive counseling program in Ontario, Canada. She is also the author of An Unexpected Freedom: Discover Peace and Joy in the Reality of Life. She and her husband Vince have been married for 18 years.
Taken from Empowered to Love: Discovering Your God-Given Power to Create a Marriage You Both Love by Robert S. Paul and Tara Lalonde. Copyright © 2024. Used by permission of Focus On the Family. All rights reserved. Represented by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.
