If there’s a universal motherhood experience, it’s the judgment of those who think they know better. But while my generation of mothers certainly faced the occasional sideways glance or stinging remark, we didn’t carry the weight of the watching world the way moms do today. Parenting advice was limited to the books and magazines we read, our immediate peer group of fellow mothers, our own mothers and mentors, the church, and our pediatricians. We gravitated to like-minded mothers who offered a smaller, more intimate support network and helped reduce the loneliness of motherhood. If we needed guidance or advice, our trusted advisors were usually a phone call or front-porch visit away. We were picky about whom we let into our world and had the luxury of deciding whom we trusted for advice when challenges arose.
The Changing Landscape of Motherhood
But thanks to social media, motherhood today has become a spectator sport. Mothers are exposed to a constant drip of online advice and a steady stream of perfectly curated images and highlight reels depicting the highs and lows of motherhood. (Mainly the highs.) Social media offers a sneak peek into the lives of mothers far and wide—friend, foe, family member, celebrity, or mere stranger. This phenomenon has created a whole new level of expectations—an ever-present, ever-shifting measure of exceptional motherhood that can serve as a source of external judgment from people posturing as motherhood know-it-alls and a quieter, how-do-I-measure-up? internal judgment. Technology has given everyone a platform and a megaphone to weigh in. Welcome to the vortex of motherhood madness, where anyone can become an armchair parenting expert.
The Pressure of Perfect Parenting
In addition to the online pressures related to motherhood, there are the cultural pressures. Whether the buzzworthy topic is natural birth versus medicated birth, breastfeeding versus bottle-feeding, homeschool versus private school versus public school, being a work-outside-the-home mom versus being a work-in-the-home mom, vaccine theories, discipline philosophies, sex education, nutrition advice, screen guidelines for children, mental-health concerns, or something else, there is no shortage of opinions. And those opinions usually come with judgment attached. No matter where you line up on the spectrum of issues, there will be plenty of detractors waiting in the wings to call you out and leave you second-guessing your position.
The Expectations Christian Mothers Face
And then there are the expectations placed on mothers by the Christian community, our churches, and fellow Christian mothers. While we’ve seen a lot of progress in how mothers and fathers share in the management and upbringing of the children in recent decades, many faith communities still view the mother as the primary caregiver even if both parents work full-time jobs. Christian mothers are bombarded with strong opinions related to marriage and parenthood, often backed up with an out-of-context Bible verse or two. Some messages are particularly dangerous because they condition Christian mothers to mask or ignore their own needs and mental health for the sake of serving their husbands and children. “Lose the baby weight,” “Dress attractively,” “Keep a tidy house,” “Don’t decline your husband’s sexual advances,” and other unrealistic marriage expectations are often added to the giant heap of motherhood expectations moms already carry.
When Motherhood Becomes a Competition
The constant onslaught of expectations can create an environment where motherhood seems more like a competition than a sisterhood. It becomes a contest of sorts, where mothers of all ages and stages are pitted against one another to prove they’ve got it right (or at least mostly right).
The Danger of Judgment Among Mothers
When we discussed the difference between true guilt and false guilt in the previous chapter, we learned that judgment is a key contributing factor to both. Like guilt, judgment is not always a bad thing. Judgment allows us to weigh options and make necessary assessments on a daily basis. But that type of healthy judgment—maybe better called discernment—can morph into contempt for other perspectives or positions should they not match our own. It is this brand of judgment that is toxic to motherhood.
Even sadder, this brand of toxic judgment robs us of relationship and connection with others. Rather than bond with other mothers over the shared sentiment that motherhood is hard and often rife with unreasonable expectations, we create a culture where we are wary of one another. Motherhood is not a competition; it is a team sport. And when we don’t have a team, it can feel very isolating and lonely.
What Scripture Says About Judging Others
The apostle Paul had a few things to say about judgment— and better yet, he offered a solution:
You, then, why do you judge your brother or sister? Or why do you treat them with contempt? For we will all stand before God’s judgment seat. It is written:
“‘As surely as I live,’ says the Lord,
‘every knee will bow before me;
every tongue will acknowledge God.’”
So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.
Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another.
ROMANS 14:10-13
I especially love the Message translation of verse 13:
Forget about deciding what’s right for each other. Here’s what you need to be concerned about: that you don’t get in the way of someone else, making life more difficult than it already is.
ROMANS 14:13, MSG
How Christians Should Treat One Another
If ever there was a word for mothers, this is it! While Paul wasn’t speaking specifically about motherhood judgment, we can trust that the same truth applies. As Christians, we will someday stand before God and give an account of our lives. What will this account consist of? Well, we know it is not for the sake of deciding our salvation—that has already been decided. But I’m willing to bet that neither will we be grilled by God about our beliefs related to breastfeeding, vaccines, how we chose to educate our children, or parenting philosophies in general. He’s not going to quiz us about our preferred worship style, our church attendance, our views on evolution, our interpretation of oft-debated passages of Scripture, our political affiliation, and how we voted in each election (or, for that matter, whether we voted at all). There will be no charts depicting the hills we chose to die on and how many people we successfully recruited over the years to die on the same hills.
What we will be accountable for is how we treated others, including our brothers and sisters in Christ.
Adapted from Motherhood Is Not Your Highest Calling by Vicki Courtney. Copyright © 2025. Used by permission of NavPress. All rights reserved. Represented by Tyndale House Publishers, a Division of Tyndale House Ministries.
Vicki Courtney is the bestselling author of numerous books and Bible studies, including her most recent book, Motherhood is Not Your Highest Calling (NavPress, September 2025). She is a two-time ECPA Christian Book Award winner and has appeared on CNN and Fox News. Vicki and her husband, Keith, reside in the Texas Hill Country and have three grown children and ten grandchildren.
