He was my favorite teacher. I had hoped and wished to get Mr. Saperstein for the fourth grade, and he was even better than all the kids said! He was funny and kind, and I learned a lot from him. And he gave us a whole hour each day for quiet reading time.
During this time, we got to sit at our desks or in a corner of the room and read any book we wanted. The “good kids” sat at their desks. The “cool kids” sat in the corners and talked with their friends quietly. I didn’t want to get in trouble like the kids in the corner often did, so I sat at my desk, reading silently.
One of our silent reading times was interrupted by a door opening in the front of the room. Ms. Darlene came in and walked past all of us to Mr. Saperstein’s desk, which was right behind mine. I heard Ms. Darlene and Mr. Saperstein whispering about one of the students in our class. I turned my head to look, too curious for my own good.
“Stefanie, want to pull up a chair so you can join our conversation?” Mr. Saperstein said loudly in a sarcastic voice. Everyone in the class stared at me.
“No, I’m sorry,” I said sheepishly, holding back tears with all my might.
My sensitive little heart had never taken sarcasm well.
The message I got from this exchange was You’re an embarrassment. Although this was one of the first times I felt this strong toxic thought come up, it wasn’t the last.
I did so much throughout my days at school to hide the undeniable fact in my head that I was an embarrassment. No matter how hard I tried, the feeling would pop back up with every trigger. Being dyslexic, I prayed I would not get called on for “popcorn” reading aloud or for writing on the chalkboard. I feared my being an embarrassment and not good enough would be seen by all.
Perhaps you can remember similar stories from your childhood. Can you think of a toxic thought you believed that caused you to change or hide part of yourself?
If you are like us, you have experienced many moments of pain that have led you to where you are now. Maybe you started with a dream of true love, or the dream of being special and unique, loved by your teachers, parents, and friends for just who you are. But somewhere on the road, you’ve lost part of yourself.
Maybe it was an F on a test. Maybe it was something one of your classmates said or did to you at school. Maybe it was the betrayal of a friend or words from a parent.
Maybe your boyfriend cheated on you, or the girl you thought you were going to marry decided that you needed a break and then dumped you. And you started to close off your heart.
I’m a failure was now your identity after that F.
I’m fat and ugly is now your identity after a classmate called you names.
I’m always going to be alone, after the betrayal of a friend.
I’m not lovable, after someone in your family leaves.
How could anyone love me? after you were cheated on.
If they don’t love me anymore, maybe no one will love me, after the breakup.
All the violations of love and trust, the heartbreaks and broken dreams, were the building blocks for a closed off heart. They walled off your heart piece by piece until there was nothing left to be seen.
It was the safest thing to do.
You could no longer bear the thought of putting yourself out there again. The one person you gave yourself to took advantage of you and left you behind, with no explanation. Or the dream you had fell apart because you took a wrong turn.
The toxic thoughts begin to creep in, and they work like mortar in between the blocks, making the wall around your heart stronger and harder to break through.
One of our clients, Rodger, had always dreamed of falling in love, but he was pretty shy and had never been on a date. He wanted to find “his person” but didn’t really know how.
Rodger met a girl through school who he got along with very well. They would talk and hang out, and became friends very quickly. Rodger really liked spending time with her at school and began to develop feelings for his new friend. As time went by, Rodger began to fall in love with her and wanted to find out if those feelings were mutual. Maybe they would be like the couples he dreamed about. He decided to officially ask his friend to coffee. She said yes, and they set a date.
Rodger was so excited. He planned his outfit, found new clothes, and couldn’t wait for the date. When it finally came, Rodger decided to get there early to grab a seat. He sat down by a window, with his nervousness building.
Ten minutes went by with no sign of her.
Twenty, nothing yet. Forty, she still wasn’t there. Rodger checked his phone in case she had texted that she would be late. Nothing.
After about an hour, Rodger got up and went home. He texted his friend to see what had happened and never heard back. Ever. She had ghosted him completely.
What seemed like it would be the best day ever became one of the worst. And the toxic thoughts began to creep in. Did you really think she’d be into you? You’re so stupid for believing that you are capable of being loved! You won’t ever find your person.
The toxic thoughts of you are unlovable, no one will ever like you, you are stupid, you are worthless became a driving force of his new identity.
And more of Rodger’s experiences started to prove this new identity as fact. Falling deeper and deeper away from his true self, Rodger almost never recovered. The truth when put up against the pain didn’t add up. People told him that he was “a child of God,” but his experience said that he was “worthless.” He chose to close off his heart to love, and the toxic thoughts became a new normal.
Sound familiar?
Thankfully, this isn’t the end of Rodger’s story. As he identifies the toxic thoughts that have sidetracked his pursuit of love, it’s just the beginning. In the same way, we know there’s so much hope for you, too, over each and every toxic thought and all the reasons they are there in the first place. We believe God wants to restore to you what has been lost and broken.
We know this is a difficult topic and thinking about these things isn’t easy. But these thoughts and experiences are there in each of us and are affecting every area of our lives, whether we’re willing to look at them or not. Let’s be courageous and willing to see what could be defining our lives without our realizing it. Uncovering the toxic thoughts that hold us back is the first step to full healing and wholehearted love.
Adapted from Wholehearted Love: Overcome the Barriers That Hold You Back in Your Relationship with God and Others—and Delight in Feeling Safe, Seen, and Loved by Stefanie and Caleb Rouse, releasing in April 2024.
Stefanie and Caleb Rouse are dynamic relationship mentors and digital creators passionately guiding singles and couples toward fulfilling and resilient relationships anchored in faith. With their master’s degrees in marriage and family therapy with an emphasis in theology (Stefanie) and in education (Caleb), they offer tailored courses, mentorship, and guidance. These are all rooted in prayer, backed by training in psychology and biblical counseling, encouragement from Christ, and practical strategies for love that lasts. Speaking to an engaged audience across multiple social media platforms, Stefanie and Caleb provide daily insights into the transformative power of faith across all relationship stages. Their vision is a world where we learn to love each other out of God’s abundance of love, leading to impactful and joyous relationships.
