How to Identify and Resist Manipulation
A counseling professor once told a woman in one of my husband’s lab groups, “Your tears don’t move me.”
His words stunned the group, but the woman stopped crying. “Those are tears of frustration not brokenness.”
We may question ourselves when someone’s tears don’t touch us. False guilt calls us hard-hearted when perhaps, our discernment is working.
Some confuse pity with compassion. Because we’re called to show compassion, this can cause ministry leaders to compromise their time, priorities, and values. But giving in to manipulation isn’t just unpleasant—it destroys. The compassionate hearts that lead some into ministry may also make us vulnerable to manipulation.
Are You Being Manipulated by the Wrong Definition of Love?
I joined an outreach ministry after college to work with high school students. In my inexperience, I confused compassion with not disappointing people and allowed a needy student to manipulate me out of time and sleep. Her urgent calls at all hours left me exhausted. When my director heard about it, he offered some sound advice.
He said the time I gave this girl stole time and energy from receptive students. My time belonged to God. I was accountable to Him, not this gal, for how I spent it.
His counsel gave me permission to limit my interaction with her. Cutting our calls short prompted her to replace the flowery notes of appreciation she’d formerly left me with hate letters. I didn’t care. I was free.
People we love can also play us. When my son attended a year-round middle school, during his breaks I took time off from work for activities he enjoyed. I relished time with him, but other responsibilities prevented me from entertaining him his whole three-week break.
To avoid the guilt his moping raised, I gave him more time than I could afford. Frustration built when my work called and my son still wasn’t content. He sensed my irritation and forgot the fun we’d shared. No one was happy.
When I recognized this pattern, I preempted it. I explained what I could give and what I couldn’t. I put the responsibility of his happiness on his shoulders. We both grew and enjoyed our time together. We learned where our respective responsibilities lay. My peace didn’t depend on my son’s attitude, and his happiness didn’t rest in me.
Jesus said no one can serve two masters. Caving in to manipulation makes the wrong person lord. If we accept tasks not meant for us, our ministry, family, and peace suffer. We also run the risk of robbing others of the joy of exercising their gifts and relying on Jesus.
How Do We Protect Ourselves from Manipulation?
The closer we walk with Jesus, the better we recognize His voice and the easier it becomes to tune out controlling influences. The Bible says we grow in discernment through practice (Heb. 5:18). Practicing discernment is biblical, not mean.
Consider the following if you suspect you are being manipulated:
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How do I feel after leaving this person/group?
Being kind and generous is different from being pressured into doing something we don’t want to do. If I feel resentful, I need a clearer understanding of what’s going on.
A woman pulled aside a friend after church to complain about not having any friends. My friend prayed for her but left feeling guilty. Driving home, she realized the woman’s manipulative tactics. Her guilt evaporated.
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What’s motivating me?
When I comply to avoid angering or disappointing someone, I’m being manipulated. The Bible instructs us to act in faith and love and never trade what is right for temporary relief.
Giving in to controlling people doesn’t protect us from emotional pain. People who habitually let others control them tend toward self-destructive habits. They mindlessly eat, shop, drink, or indulge in destructive habits to numb the pain of feeling used.
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Would I treat someone like this?
Would I ask my coworker or loved one to comply with such an expectation, or would I warn them against it? Sometimes we need to stand outside the situation to see clearly.
Controllers use fear, flattery, and pathetic looks to manipulate our feelings and drown out reason. When some religious people tried to control a group of believers in the early church, Paul wrote: “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery” (Gal. 5:1 NIV).
Conflict exposes hearts. If a conflict arises because we won’t let someone wrongly control us, it’s okay. People with religious-sounding arguments tried to manipulate Jesus and the apostles too. They understood what was at stake and escaped those nets.
When the pressure to comply overwhelms you, reach out to your High Priest. He stands ready and able to help.
Bio: Debbie W. Wilson and her husband Larry cofounded Lighthouse Ministries, a non-profit biblical counseling and Bible teaching ministry. Drawing from her personal walk with Christ, twenty-four years as a Christian counselor, and decades as a Bible teacher, Debbie speaks and writes to connect fellow sojourners to the heart of Christ. Connect with Debbie, enjoy free resources including the handout “How to Protect Yourself from Manipulation,” and learn about her books, including Give Yourself a Break and Little Strength, Big God, at debbieWwilson.com.
