Why Submission in Marriage Isn’t Blind Obedience
“I need help submitting to my husband,” my client said.
I noted her sad countenance. “Tell me about your relationship with him.”
The woman, I’ll call Alice, cooked, cleaned, and financially supported her family. Her alcoholic husband contributed nothing but temper and threats which successfully alienated their adult children. Now he demanded that Alice give up her one pleasure—Wednesday night choir practice at church.
For over forty-three years this woman bowed to her husband’s requests. Whenever she balked, he quoted the only Bible verse he knew, “Wives submit to your husband.”
Misinterpreting Submission in Marriage
“Why are you letting your unbelieving husband interpret scripture for you?” I asked.
Alice’s eyes widened. “But the Bible says that. My pastor agrees.”
I’m not sure Alice filled her pastor in on the details of her marriage. But some Christian leaders give such advice. Some teach that when 1 Peter 3 uses Sarah as an example of a submissive wife it refers to her lying and joining King Abimelech’s harem. Unwittingly, such teaching supports emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.
So what does the Bible mean when it tells wives to submit to their husbands?
Understanding Biblical Submission
Psalm 119:160 says, “The sum of Your word is truth.” The immediate context as well as the greater context of the Bible supplies understanding. Some passages teach the ideal, as in Romans 13 on submitting to the governing authorities established to protect the righteous. While others, like Exodus, show God rewarding the midwives for disobeying Pharaoh’s evil command.
Wives and Husbands
“Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord” (Ephes. 5:22 NASB 1995).
“Be subject” is not in the original language of verse 22. The preceding verse supplies it. “Be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.” These verses go together. The context shows individuals submitting to the Holy Spirit and then to each other.
The wife’s relationship with her husband parallels the church’s relationship with Christ. Worldly leaders lord over others. But Christ shepherds His flock.
Marriage reflects the mystery of Christ’s union with His bride, the church. “Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.”
Submission with Discernment
When a husband demands something wrong or questionable, a wife should ask, “Can I do this out of reverence for Christ?” Like the midwives in Exodus, any behavior that can’t be done as unto the Lord, shouldn’t be done. Ephesians 5 says not to participate in immorality, greed, or foolishness.
1 Peter 3 addresses women married to unbelievers. Christ sets the example (1 Peter 2).
Telling slaves to submit to unreasonable masters doesn’t mean the Bible condones slavery. The master/slave and husband/wife hierarchy were part of the Roman household code. A master’s sinful behavior didn’t justify a slave doing wrong. Believers are to follow Christ’s righteous example even in unfair settings.
This brings us to Sarah.
The Example of Sarah
“In former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear” (1 Peter 3:5-6 NASB 1995 emphasis added).
Could this refer to Sarah lying about her marriage and joining a harem? A young woman I counseled allowed a third party into their bedroom because of this interpretation. Let’s look at that passage.
“Abimelech called Abraham and said to him, ‘What have you done to us? And how have I sinned against you, that you have brought on me and on my kingdom a great sin? You have done to me things that ought not to be done.’ …Abraham said, ‘Because I thought, surely there is no fear of God in this place, and they will kill me because of my wife’” (Genesis 20:9-11 NASB 1995).
Abraham and Sarah wronged Abimelech because they were afraid.
Direct Relationship with God
The husband is not the mediator between his wife and God. Jesus provides women equal access to the throne of God. In Genesis 21:12, God told Abraham to listen to “whatever Sarah tells you.” Of course, that didn’t mean in every situation.
Submission isn’t blind obedience. As Christ refused to submit to the religious leaders’ hypocritical demands, the disciples refused to stop preaching Christ (Acts 5:28-29). Jesus “committed no sin, nor was any deceit found in His mouth” (1 Peter 2:22 NASB 1995).
Some say the curse validates this view of submission. When God instituted marriage, the focus was on becoming one, not one dominating the other. Male headship in marriage isn’t a curse. Male oppression thrives in sin-dominated cultures and homes.
Conclusion: Submission with Wisdom
When a teaching doesn’t line up with the whole of scripture and the heart of God, it needs further study.
After reviewing scripture together, Alice looked at me, eyes glistening. “You mean God cares about me?”
“Yes, Alice. He certainly does.”
*All scripture NASB 1995 if you want to remove that notation on each verse.
Debbie W. Wilson is an author, Bible teacher, and former Christian counselor who speaks and writes to connect fellow sojourners to the heart of Christ. She and her husband co-founded Lighthouse Ministries in 1991, a non-profit Christian counseling and Bible teaching ministry. Connect with Debbie, find free resources, and learn about her books, including her newest release Little Strength, Big God at debbieWwilson.com.
